Marriage Minute Archives

With so many people being laid off or having to work from home, due to the recent COVID-19 Crisis, many couples are spending a lot more unintentional time together.  However, just because you and your partner are spending more physical time with each other, doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage will be stronger on the other end of this pandemic.  Too many couples have been mistakenly confusing proximity for intimacy, allowing quarantine (marital house arrest) to take the place of date nights, meaningful conversation, thoughtful interactions, and emotional connection.  Research tells us that couples who are not actively and intentionally moving towards each other, not just sitting next to each other, are passively drifting apart.  Here are a few simple, strategic steps you and your spouse can take, to make sure your marriage actually thrives during this crisis, instead of just survives.

Pray Together Daily– Studies have found that couples who pray with each other, and for each other, at least 30 seconds a day, feel emotionally closer.  Not only does prayer create deeper intimacy between you and your spouse, it also keeps your marriage anchored to the Rock, when the waves of uncertainty are crashing all around you.

Prioritize Fun – One of the first things couples tend to do, when faced with a crisis, is to stop having fun together.  They allow fear, stress, financial limitations, or other restrictions to unknowingly steal their joy.  Just because you can’t “go out,” doesn’t mean you have to stop dating.  Order take out once a week, and lock yourselves in your bedroom for an hour or two.  Learn a new game together.  Snuggle on the couch and binge a show.  Fun is something you create in a relationship, by being innovative and intentional, not something you’re dependent on society to create for you.

Talk About the Hard Stuff – Since Shared Pain is one of the main things that creates intimacy in marriage, view this crisis as an opportunity to work through an area or issue in your marriage that has been challenging or a consistent source of conflict in the past.  If finances have been a perpetual struggle for your relationship, take this forced, together-time to go through Dave Ramsey’s Online Course.  If communication tends to be your bugaboo, go through a book together by Dr. John Gottman or watch Laugh your Way to a Bette Marriage by Mark Gungor.  The more you get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable, with your partner, the more God can use Healthy Pain to draw you both closer to Him, and closer to each other.

Schedule Weekly Sex – Many couples assume that just being around each other more should naturally produce greater, sexual intimacy in their relationship.  But in reality, increased proximity to one another can actually have the opposite effect, since couples will unintentionally place sex on the back burner, believing “We’ll get to it later.”  Yet Sex not only produces physical and emotional closeness in marriage, it also reduces stress, burns calories, improves our immune system, and enhances our overall mood.  These sound like benefits any person would want to capitalize on, especially when quarantine life tends to have the opposite effects on us.  Having more sex with your partner won’t fix this Corona Crisis, but it will likely make staying at home a little more bearable.

Does a Great Sex Life Equal a Great Marriage?

According to research, the answer would appear to be Yes!  On the whole, couples who describe their marriage as satisfying and enjoyable tend to portray their sexual relationship with their spouse in a positive light as well.  So, if sex is such a critical component in marriage, why are so many committed couples struggling in the bedroom?  One of the main reasons is Boredom.  Just like any other activity in marriage (paying bills, housework, cooking, etc.) sex can become part of a couple’s routine.  Instead of being something that breathes life into a marriage, sex often becomes a chore…an obligation rather than a blessing.  Yet, this was never God’s design for sex.  Read the first section of Song of Songs if you don’t believe me.  So here are a few suggestions to put the sizzle back into your love life. 

Sexting

Reach out and touch your partner with your phone.  Build desire and anticipation by sending your partner romantic texts such as: “Been thinking about you all day,” or “Remember what we did last week?  Let’s do that again when you get home.”  You can also use imagery to heighten the senses.  Ladies, lay out some lingerie on the bed and send a photo with the caption, “Which one of these outfits would you like to see me in tonight?”  Since our greatest sexual tool is our mind, anything that you can do to get your partner thinking about the two of you together will increase desire and draw them to you like a moth to a flame.

Speak their Language

We’ve all felt the frustration of being around someone who is speaking a foreign language.  You feel frustrated and disconnected.  Now imagine how your partner feels when you are not speaking their Language of Love.  Romance means something different to everyone.  Your job is to become fluent in your spouse’s romantic tongue.  For example, if your husband or wife likes gifts, make a point of bringing home romantic items like flowers, chocolates, or jewelry.  If your man is an acts of service kind of guy than find out what makes him feel cared for sexually and do it often.  The point is to put the focus on your spouse so they feel prioritized.

Abandon the Familiar

Just like eating the same foods too often can cause them to lose their flavor, a stale and predictable sex life will slowly diminish desire in a marriage.  But in order to break out of your sexual ruts, you have to be willing to take a few risks.  Try different sexual positions.  Make love at a different time of the day than normal.  Be more verbal in the bedroom or try some role playing.  You only have to observe nature to see that God loves creativity and variety; so why limit yourself in the bedroom. 

Extreme Bedroom Makeover

Since most of can’t afford romantic getaways to exotic locations every week, why not make your bedroom your own, personal paradise.  Paint your room with soft, sensual colors.  Replace photos of relatives with pictures of romantic places like Paris, Rome, or the Caribbean.  Purchase matching bedroom furniture and have a specific theme in mind.  Get an electric fireplace.  Think of some of your favorite hotel rooms or bed and breakfasts you’ve stayed at and incorporate those designs into your bedroom.  You’re going to spend at least one-third of your life in your bedroom…you might as well enjoy it.

Dress to Undress

They say that it’s not what’s outside that counts but what’s under the surface that makes us who we are.  With this in mind, make a point of wearing lingerie or silk boxers under your work clothes once in a while.  They may be slightly uncomfortable and impractical, but I guarantee they will keep you in a sexual state of mind all day.  Your spouse won’t know what hit them when you walk in the door.

Talk the Talk

Your Words Matter!  And it’s not always what you say, but how you say it that counts the most.  Speak to your partner in soft and gentle tones.  Avoid sexual verbiage that is crude or offensive to your spouse.  A good exercise to improve sexual communication is to sit down with your spouse and make a list of every sexual slang or term you’ve ever heard of.  Go through them one by one and tell each other whether the word is offensive to you and why.  This will not only increase your sexual vocabulary, but it will also help you be more sensitive to your spouse’s auditory palate.

Be Flirtatious

You did it when you were dating; a sensual whisper in your lover’s ear, a soft brush of their cheek with your fingertips, sending messages with your eyes.  Why stop when you’re married? Flirting is simply the art of showing someone you desire them in a fun and subtle way.  So play a little hard to get…as long as you never play hard to want.

Communicate with your Hands

We’ve all witnessed newlyweds who can’t seem to stop touching each other.  We often criticize out loud, saying things like “get a room” or “ooh gross,” but secretly we’re envious of their sexual energy and desire for one another.  Touch can convey yearning for our spouse when the right words escape our lips.  Be intentional about snuggling when you watch a movie together or holding your partner’s hand while strolling through the mall.  Let them know, that after all these years, you still want them.

Hot Pursuit

Never underestimate the power of a quickie.  Too often, couples use lack of time as an excuse for not having more sex.  Sex doesn’t always have to be a big production.  Take a shower together before church.  Pull your partner into the bedroom for a few minutes before they head off to work.  Quickies can be a great way to remind your spouse that you will always “make time” to squeeze them into your schedule. 

Sleep

By the time you get home from work, make dinner, finish the housework, and wrestle the kids into bed, you and your spouse are often emotionally and physically exhausted.  Your mind may be sexually motivated but your body won’t cooperate.  While exercise and a healthy diet can boost our energy, nothing compares to the benefits of getting a good night’s sleep.  The average person needs a minimum of 8 hours of sleep a day to function properly.  If possible, you and your spouse should go to bed at about the same time each night.  This will program your brain to start shutting down earlier, thus giving you and your partner a more restful night’s sleep.

Schedule It

This may not seem very romantic, but the truth is, we tend to forget things we don’t make a priority.  Talk to your partner, and the two of you come up with a minimum number of times both of you would like to have sex each week.  Then, get the calendar out, or your daily planner, and write it on your schedule.  For example, I had one client who wrote the initials TS (Think Sex) every three days on her calendar, as a reminder to prepare herself physically and mentally for a sexual encounter with her husband.  What a lucky guy!  Not only does scheduling sex in your marriage let your partner know they are important to you, but it also creates an atmosphere of excitement and anticipation as the two of you look forward to being together.

Renew your Mind

As I mentioned earlier, your most powerful, sexual tool is your mind.  How you think greatly influences how you behave.  If you grew up in a home where sex was never discussed or was depicted as dirty, you may have developed some mistaken beliefs about sex that need to be challenged with truth.  Also, if you or your partner have been wounded sexually in the past, such as abuse, infidelity, or pornography, sex may have become associated in your mind with pain rather than pleasure.  If you fall into one of these categories I strongly encourage you to seek help.  There are numerous, Godly resources (counseling, programs, books, videos, etc.) you can utilize to help you heal and retrain your brain.  Don’t let fear and ignorance keep you from having the passionate and fulfilling marriage God intended.

Resources

• Red Hot Monogamy: Making your Marriage Sizzle By Bill Farrel
• The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment By Clifford and Joyce Penner
• Ways to have Fun, Fantastic Sex By Clifford and Joyce Penner
• Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction By Mark Lasser
• Crazy Good Sex By Les and Leslie Parrott

Perspective Matters

Research has revealed that over 90% of the issues couples deal with in marriage, are rooted in childhood wounds suffered by each person, prior to the age of 11. If less than 10% of the problems in your marriage, have been created by you and your partner, than it stands to reason that the majority of the pain you experience in marriage is unintentionally triggered by your spouse, oftentimes by them just being their natural, charming self. For example, if you grew up in a home where your dad or mom yelled a lot, just the slightest influx in your spouse’s tone or volume could trigger an emotional reaction in you, where your subconscious is automatically reacting to the familiar feeling and stimuli. This could motivate you to either lash out at your spouse, in ways you never felt permission with your parents, or distance yourself from your partner physically and/or emotionally. Too often in marriage, we mistake “triggered pain” for intentional wounding, and inadvertently punish our husband or wife, for the sins of someone from our past. This person you once believed you couldn’t live without; has gradually become someone you can no longer imagine living with.

Your Spouse is NOT the Enemy

One of the greatest tricks of Satan, is to get you to view your partner as the source of all your unhappiness in life. As negative experiences accumulate in marriage, you can begin to believe lies such as: “I never felt this way before I married this person,” or “My life was so much easier when I was single.” Yet, the moment you start blaming your partner for all of your ills, you unknowingly become emotionally dependent on them, needing them to get fixed before you can move forward. This keeps you stuck in an indefinite holding pattern, and your emotional and spiritual maturity is stunted. You justify your position by telling yourself, “I will do my part…just as soon as they start doing theirs.” Not only do you willingly choose to be the victim in your own marriage, but you also allow Satan to hinder your effectiveness in God’s Kingdom, since it’s virtually impossible to love others and judge your spouse at the same time.

The Solution

Since you can’t change what you don’t know, God designed your spouse to be a mirror, reflecting back to you all of your deepest wounds, fears, and insecurities. Instead of lashing out or blame-shifting, every time your partner triggers some deeper hurt, God wants you to look inward and ask yourself, “Where is this pain really coming from?” Once you can identify the true origin of a wound, you can then take active steps to process your pain and experience deeper healing. God did not give you your spouse to make you happy, but to make you better! The next time you find yourself wanting to villainize your partner, take a moment to read Matthew 7:3, and ask God to show you the plank from your past, that He’s wanting you to cut down to size.

One of the most common complaints I hear from couples I work with is, “We are just too busy to spend quality time together.”  In a day and age where so much is vying for our attention, most couples are struggling just to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table.  The sirens that drew most of us to marriage in the first place (passion, romance, adventure) now seem like a distant memory, a fantasy world that exists only in an episode of The Bachelor.  Yet research tells us that how much fun a couple has together is the number one factor that determines if they will make it “till death do us part.”  So how can we keep our romantic fires kindled, when the busyness of life is constantly threatening to snuff them out?  Here are three, daily habits we need to establish, to ensure our marriage not only survives, but thrives.

Do Little and Thoughtful Kind Things for Each Other

Working full-time to pay the mortgage, making meals, caring for children—these things are necessary, expected, and connected with duty. Little extras, however, such as bringing your spouse a coffee to their work, fixing them a plate for dinner, or rubbing their feet after a long day, are done because you choose to do them.  They show your spouse you’re willing to put in extra effort because he or she is worth it.  Dr. John Gottman explains it his way, “Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by far more humdrum scenes. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.”

Make Time to Say “YES” to Each Other Every Single Day

Time is the enemy for busy couples.  Yet time spent in positive interactions with your spouse is non-negotiable. As Dr. Gottman writes, “a husband and wife are continually making bids for each other’s attention—introducing a conversation topic, implicitly asking a favor, etc.—and the most successful couples are the ones who continually ‘turn toward’ their partners.” They say yes to each other’s requests for attention, interaction, and well, love, I suppose. These everyday interactions serve to build up a bank of love and trust.  If your partner puts their arm around you while you are watching Netflix on the couch, lean into their embrace, and let them know you want them.  If they do the dishes for you and subtly probe to see if you noticed by saying something like, “The kitchen looks so much better with an empty sink,” make a point of responding positively with some aspect of praise and appreciation.  Since we tend to interpret being ignored as disinterest and rejection, make sure your partner regularly knows that you not only notice them, but value and desire them as well.

Establish Relationship Rituals

There is something powerful in creating the “just us” element in a relationship. As couple’s therapist Zach Brittle writes, “Rituals are a way to ensure that your relationship is unique. Rituals are regularly occurring activities or traditions that you share as a couple, which serve to strengthen your bond.”  Develop a daily, shared activity with your spouse, such as taking a walk together, doing a couple’s devotion, or enjoying a cup of coffee, where the focus is simply having fun and enjoying one another’s company.  Since the more emotionally bonded we feel with our partner, the more manageable our perpetual, marital issues seem to be, make sure your spouse is always at the top of your “To Do List.”

Resources

Verify Magazine. (2016, November 3). 3 Daily Habits That are Better for your Marriage Than an Exotic Vacation.  Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-daily-habits-that-are-better-for-your-marriage-than-an-exotic-vacation/